Ok - so I’ve had a lot on my mind as usual, and I’ve been busy living life, having headaches, dancing, hugging, laughing, crying, driving around, drinking tea, and trying to understand how to program a blog. I’m recalibrating my being so that I am guided by my intuition and heart, rather than my mind. It’s not like turning on a switch or adjusting a dial. Or is it?
The saturday morning Open Floor dance at Pickleweed is my current, and long-standing favorite dance. I’m a morning person and I love dancing in the daylight. Today was magical with the rain and mist outside the big windows at a gathering that felt like a grand reunion of souls. I heard and said “I missed you” over and over. I heard and said “I love you” over and over. A room full of embodied dancers where I feel new and ancient. As we all dance together over time we witness each other changing, emerging, shifting, growing, blossoming, burning, exploding, expanding, stilling, grieving, falling in love, being heartbroken, getting angry, getting hysterical, getting lost, getting grounded, swaying in the sensations, sights and sounds. It felt so good to be in the energetic arms of so many embodied spirits today. Thank you so much for witnessing me. Thank you for letting me dance my big dance. Thank you for letting me cry. Thank you for letting me be my own support. It felt good to cry in that room, in the light, with my own arms wrapped around me. No one can take away my pain. It is mine to hold and love. I don’t want my tears to be wiped away, or crumpled up in tissues. I want to feel them on my skin. I want to see them hit the floor. I don’t want to bury my face. I want to let it out for as long as it needs to come out. I know it will eventually pass, and when it does I can move on to other emotions. I don’t want to rush through the *sadness/bliss/fear/anxiety/happiness/joy/love/anger* because it makes me, you or anyone else uncomfortable. I grant myself to freedom to feel all of my emotions fully for their entire duration. I will dance with them all! They are all welcome. They are all my teachers.
So many lovely men around me held beautiful caring space for me today. I often feel that I get to dance with father spirit, or my embellished version of my father’s spirit. As the tears were falling at the end, I opened my eyes and looked down at my feet and hands. Reminded myself that I’m in a body. I have a body. I am alive. They aren’t alive. They don’t have those bodies anymore. I kept saying that over and over, and the tears poured out. So grateful to be alive, and I miss my big brother something awful. The sweet men that dance with me like a brother break my heart in ways they couldn’t possibly know.